BRAIN DUMP

I've been up since about 3 am. I just can't sleep. I watched some televisions, ate a piece of toast, and now I'm checking email. This is not good. Early morning sleep is the most precious to me and today is a day that I need to be well rested. The State workers are coming this morning to harass...I mean to do a walk through for my license that we can't renew because we don't have our training hours up to date and don't intend to prior to expiration. It's just another thing on the list that in all honesty is low priority wise now that we won't have any foster children here. I would like to be well rested when they come but it doesn't look like that is going to happen.

The girls are going for respite tonight which means I need to see the other foster mother. Also not on my list of things that make me happy.

Amy asked if she could have some friends over for a sleepover before she goes. I had to say no and I feel very badly about it. The timing just isn't going to work out, and the idea of having several children who I have never met here for an overnight with everything else going on is too far out of my comfort zone. I did tell her she could have the friends over during the day but that didn't seem at all appealing to her.

I'm stressing about packing them up to go. I don't have any boxes, and don't really know what clothes to send with them this weekend. I just need to do it because the thinking about it is making me crazy. Also worrying about things like bikes and how they will be transported.

Should I be writing letters to them to keep? How do you say goodbye to children you felt were yours that you most likely will never see again? I can't find my manual.

Despite rumors that we have a name for the baby and just won't tell, WE DON'T HAVE A NAME FOR THE BABY! I'm worried that the hospital is going to make me choose something before they will let us leave. I'm sure that technically they can't keep us, but I'm just not up for the battle. We need a name. Feel free to leave your suggestions here.

Katherine's costume isn't looking good. I have spent lots of mental energy on it but no physical energy so I'm not very optimistic that it will be done. In fact I'm quite sure that it won't be.

Noah's birthday is this weekend and I have NOTHING planned, despite his belief otherwise. For a cake he wants a jack-o-lantern make out of carrot cake. Please. How about a nice chocolate cake from a box? And really, it would be a miracle if I could get that done!

I did manage to buy and wash a car seat for the baby yesterday. And aside from having NO IDEA how it installs in the car with this new latch system I'm more prepared than I was 24 hours ago. Some baby clothes are washed and just need to find a bag or suitcase to hang out in. I have my cord tie, and enough diapers to get me through the first 15 pounds or so.

Speaking of weight, I'm freaked out about the baby's. I have always been freakishly huge when pregnant and my itty bitty baby was a mere 8 pounds 6 ounces. Matthew was 10 pounds 8 ounces. Big is what I am used to. This time, my belly is really small. In fact my belly button hasn't even "popped" out. I'm sure that the constant stress I was under throughout this pregnancy has contributed to the baby not being as large as I would expect. The doctor has tried to convince me that small does not equal unhealthy, but I can't shake the idea that it does. It finally occurred to me that the reason it feels like twins (or an octopus) is that the baby has much more room to love around than any of my other children have had.

At least I got a shower in. This will become very important in a few hours when the guys arrive to replace the furnace. I am told it will take 12 hours and the water will need to be off. YIKES!