About Me

I am the mother to 6 children and former foster mother to 2. I am passionate about whatever it is I am passionate about, until I change my mind. I dream big, plan big, and once in a while I even make it big. We are planning to take our freak show on the road. Join us as we embark on a new adventure!

Friday, April 07, 2006

Here is the scoop on the doctor visits.

I met with the PA from our family doc’s office and got a referral to the asthma doc for Joshua.

My appointment with

~I was just interrupted by the part time neighbor girl. I swear this is what she said to me. “Hi, our gray cat is pregnant so if you see her having her babies outside we would really appreciate it if you could take them inside.” Then she talked non-stop for 10 minutes, add cute things like,” I can’t get tonsillitis because I had my tonsils out and I am just one of those people that doesn’t get sick when I have my tonsils out, like I know one person whose son threw up blood and everything.” And “I’m expecting a new little baby, but they aren’t really sure how I’m going to react to that. My Dad has a pug dog that is all his and we don’t know he is going to react either. He is going to put a hat on the baby then bring it home for the dog to smell.” She is so adorable!

Back to my boring blog entry: My appointment with Dr. I-think-I-am-so-perfect-but-all-the-other-docs-in-town-hate-me was at 10:45 so at 10:35 the PA rushed me out so that I wouldn’t be late to meet with Dr. Figjam*, but thinks that the knee pain is arthritis and the mole is suspicious. How freaking old am I anyway? I’m going back to follow up at the end of the month. She also sent home the Current OB/GYN guide, which clearly states “Prostaglandin induction, oxytocin induction, and intra-amniotic instillation of prostaglandin or hyper tonic solutions are no longer acceptable methods for evacuation of a molar pregnancy.” Perhaps Dr. Figjam should read up on this.

So, we arrive at 10:45. We abide by the note on the door and DO NOT BRING IN ANY FOOD OR DRINK INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO WATER. We also abide by the sign on the television and we DO NOT TOUCH THE TELEVISION and we DO NOT CHANGE THE CHANNEL and we LEAVE THE TELEVISION SET TO CHANNEL 18, then we wait. After 40 minutes they let us into the exam room. More waiting. The doctor arrives and tells me that my chest x-ray and blood draws were negative and now wants to do an internal exam. I explained that I would be getting a pap smear with my family doc but Dr. Figjam says, “It really would be much better it I were to do the exam.” Better for who? Exam was normal.

As there was an hour and a half total wait time Joshua amused both himself and Matthew by blowing up four gloves into balloons. He planned to bring one home for each kid, and was excited to be able to do so. One of the ultra mean nurses, who ironically all wear pins that say “Because Nice Matters” came up to us and took them right out of their hands saying they were a safety hazard, then the bitch popped them. I was in shock. I am never in my life setting foot in that hellish office again. AUGH. Joshua pointed out that the shock would have been less severe if she would have at least offered the baby a sticker in exchange. What a bitch. Really. When we got into the hall Josh said, “Mom, I still have two gloves in my pocket.” HA. Part of me wanted to go back in and wave the gloves to them through the glass. Maybe I could go back for just one more visit and say, cut the thumbs off from all the gloves. No, I will go back, bring ALL the kids in with Happy Meals and touch the television with my greasy hands and change the channel to Disney. Then we will all blow up as many gloves as we can muster in an hour! HA.

*Figjam is Aussie Slang for Fuck I’m good, just ask me.


Anonymous said...

I was wondering when and if you would get to use Figjam in your blog. You did a beautiful job of it! Yes he is Dr Figjam. He didn't used to be like that but I have learned through you what a changed person he is. Ugh. Some people still like him though.


Jerry said...

LOL!!!!! :)

OMG! I was going to take daughter to the doc tomorrow for a cough, but now I'm sure thinking twice.

Anonymous said...

ya reckon them boys were makin a racket in the doctor's office? whooping and hollering aren't accepted behavior in a waiting room full of nervous kids and equally nervous parents. geez oh pete, to pull from the 'nawthun' dialect.