Eight children and two sleepovers later and we are alive and well. Ever hear about how one is supposed to wake up feeling “refreshed and renewed”? Well, I have never in my life felt that way, but one of the children who spent the night sure did. She woke up at 6 am (an ungodly hour in our home!) yelling, “boys, wake up, you have got to try this! It is so much fun Boys, wake up!” She was referring to taking pillows and using them as sleds to slide down the stairs! We of course got right up to put a stop to all that fun!
I have been feeling pretty good emotionally and following through (somewhat) with my goal of socializing more. I have noticed however that I don’t seem to be “upset enough” to satisfy people. I remember years ago when people we knew lost a pregnancy. They didn’t seem very upset and we thought (and of course later confirmed) that they were so strange. I feel like that is how people are looking at me now.
Gary and I talked about this and decided that things are just so good compared to when we lost Matthew David. Yes, it is sad that we lost a pregnancy, but it wasn’t yet “our child” and from the moment of conception it’s makeup was never compatible with life. Perhaps we would be more upset if we hadn’t experienced the actual loss of a breathing child.
We got to talking more about when Matthew David died, and I realized that in 15 years I don’t ever remember hearing Gary’s story about how things unfolded for him. It was bizarre to know that there was more to this story that I have told and retold hundreds of times.
Gary’s Dad drove him to the hospital and told Gary, “don’t panic, let’s just get to the hospital.” He later admitted that he knew that the baby was dead from the moment he first heard. He said that with all the calls he had been on as a firefighter, a baby who stopped breathing was a dead baby.
God, I miss Gary’s Mom and Dad so much. It’s so strange that they are just gone. Not available anymore. Can’t call, can’t write. Aha, this must be where the “sense of loss” is manifesting itself!
The neighborhood cats are even worse than the neighborhood children. Gary spent the day adding more fencing material to the fence in an attempt to keep the damn cats OUT! It was very satisfying when a cat tried to RUN into our yard and ricocheted off the new fencing. Hopefully they will learn that they are not welcome to poop here anymore! There should be a leash law for cats. They have been coming into our yard and pooping everywhere and there isn’t anything we can really do to stop it. That just isn’t right.