About Me

I am the mother to 6 children and former foster mother to 2. I am passionate about whatever it is I am passionate about, until I change my mind. I dream big, plan big, and once in a while I even make it big. We are planning to take our freak show on the road. Join us as we embark on a new adventure!

Friday, January 18, 2008

WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE

I still don't want to talk about the big scary thing even though we know she doesn't have it. Sorry.

I don't know why I have been so quiet lately. It is hard to type with Miss Molly in my lap. And it seems she is most always in my lap.

Recently I talked to an old friend. We used to hang out together every day when we were homeschooling. Back then she had just had her fourth child and I only had three. We used to talk (and dream some) about all the things we could be doing to bring in money, and keep our selves sane by doing something other than mothering. She is now pregnant with number 6, and doing all the things she had talked about in her "someday". Then she asked what progress I had made on any of my plans. Yeah. None. But, I explained. I've been really busy. I realized in that moment that I lost a year. A whole year.

At the time Gary was having medical issues, as were Katherine and Matthew, and my AP class was just kicking my butt. I could have handled and one of those, but not all. And I don't know if I will ever be able to handle the AP. Having a week to learn all the human bones might be doable, but not in combination with testing on basic chemistry, anatomical positions and orientation... I just pulled out my notes from one class. It's about 30 pages long and looks like a foreign language to me. Anyway...


Later that day we took the kids ice skating. There I ran into a woman who I took one class with. It was in fact the very last class I took before the lost year. She remembered my name and impressive details about me. Then she went on to say that she had gotten in to the nursing program years early. This is just unheard of. She said they called her up one day and said, can you start NOW, as in classes have already started and you will need to scramble to catch up. And she did. Not only that, she has been offered a job in the OB unit. Impressive no? To top it all off, she has a 2 year old, a 4 year old, and a 16 year old. What meaningful things I have accomplished in the last two years? Ummm. Thankfully Molly is cute and makes a nice distraction!

I finally got in touch with the girls guardian and she is going to try to bring them next weekend. She first needs to check with the hamster mama to find out if they are available, so perhaps it won't happen. I'm nervous and excited, at the same time, and worried that it may not be the best thing to do. But I would like to visit with them, without all the stress. I would like to know that they are doing wonderfully, even though I think it may hurt my feelings. It may make me feel inadequate, and that what I did provide wasn't good enough. And if they aren't doing good then I will feel like I failed them. So I'm scared to see them, but I really do want to. Deep breath in.

1 comment:

Christine said...

Don't be so hard on yourself. It is very easy to be critical of yourself while looking at somebody elses greener grass. I can totally relate to this post, and the email you sent me. Can you share about the girls or direct me to a previous post? You did not fail them. There are many stepping stones in one's life.
Blessings.