SLEEP

Last night, not so much.

First I couldn't sleep. It seemed that I would fall asleep with the tv on, then awake just enough to turn it off, and as soon as it was off I was wide awake. I could tell that having it on was interfering with Gary's sleep, but it seemed that NOT having it on was interfering with mine.

Then the dreams. Pregnancy dreams are bad enough, but through in an emotionally tough day and watch out. I dreamed (sp) that I gave birth to a chocolate bar. Before we could weigh it someone had ripped the wrapper and taken a bite, so we had to just go by what the wrapper told us. 32 ounces.

The chocolate bar quickly plumped into a really baby, and then we were at the hospital. My mother was there talking about making a lasagna, which I found offensive because we have SO MUCH FOOD but not ricotta cheese and it just seems wasteful to go BUY ricotta cheese when you could make something else.

Then I had to chase down nurses to get a pair of scissors to cut the cord that was attached to me, and not the baby. The hospital was over flowing with people and attention was hard to get.

Then the body aches. Ugh. No matter what position I got myself in, I immediately felt like I had been laying in that position my entire life and there was no blood flow to the area.

I am very tired today. Now I have one of those headaches from lack of sleep.

Gary spoke to the supervisor this morning about the dates to transition and she seemed to receive our ideas well. She is supposed to be calling me back any minute.

Gary did well to remain civil with her. He is having a really hard time not telling them all where to shove their lies and emotional abuse. It's also very hard for him that for a year we have wanted all three kids at our house and state worker after state worker screwed that up, and now he sees the other foster home as "winning" and us as "loosing". I felt that was over the summer, but I don't feel that way right now. If we were offered adoption right this minute the answer would be "most likely" but not an "absolutely." I don't think the other foster home can offer any better guarantee of wanting the kids permanently, but it is what it is. We are not the losers with the other family winning. Just as I am trying hard not to think of us as giving up. It just is what it is, and I think we are doing the right thing. Sigh.